Diets do not work.
In 2008, The New England Journal of Medicine published a report that dieters put in a tremendous amount of effort without receiving any real benefits. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Taking weight-loss pills doesn’t work. There is no magic pill. Pills will make you sick. (Mayo Clinic.) Any weight I could lose on a diet pill (if I actually lose any) will come right back on after my body acclimates or I stop taking the dang things.
Low-Fat diet. Low-Carb diet. Cabbage Soup Diet. Hollywood Diet. Apple Cider Vinegar Diet. Zone Diet. Atkinson. Grapefruit. South Beach. Tapeworm Diet.
They don’t work.
I know I will gain all that weight back and more, eventually. All of that hard work to actually gain weight.
How am I going to lose weight and keep it off?
Here’s the letter I’ve written to myself:
Stop being someone who is lazy about his or her own health.
Stop looking for a quick fix.
Stop looking for processed foods that have “less carbs” or are “gluten free.” It’s still junk.
No, you can’t keep drinking wine all night while counting your calories during the day.
No, you can’t drink juice for a week then go back to putting cheese on all your meals.
No, you can’t cut out carbs by going to McDonalds and ordering a double-cheeseburger without the bun.
You have to stop dieting in order to lose weight. Permanently.
It’s harsh. But it’s true.
This is the battle plan:
Don’t eat processed food. We aren’t made to digest that crap. That’s why you are tired all the time.
Don’t eat meat. Look at your teeth. You’re not a carnivore. This is another reason you are so tired, all the damn time.
Are you a baby cow? No? Then don’t drink milk. It’s horrible for humans. Soy, almond, coconut, hemp… there is a plethora of options for animal milk substitutes.
Don’t put toxins in your body. Drinking, smoking, ingesting chemicals, eating junk… that’s, literally, why you’ve got a fat ass. Adipose tissue is the body’s way to protect us against the maelstrom of toxins we ingest. The more toxins, the more fat cells the body will retain. You may need to detox and cleanse to kickstart your body into letting go of your protective fat cells.
Know where your food comes from. Know your farmer. Shop locally. Grow your own food, if you can. I live in an apartment in NYC, and I don’t have a back yard. If I can do it, anyone can do it.
Prepare your own food. Sorry, you have to make time for it. If you are the chef, and you are using real fruits, veggies, and plants… you know exactly what is going into your food. You can prepare food in advance and freeze things for the week. Whatever it takes. It is THAT important.
Drink water. A lot of it. More than you want to. Drink water all day long. Drink it before you eat. Drink it while you eat. It will fill you up. And your skin and hair will say, “Thank you! We now look fierce!” Are you feeling hungry? You might just be dehydrated. Sometimes dehydration pangs and hunger pangs feel exactly the same.
Drink more water. Not Diet Coke. Did the universe put natural Diet Coke springs on the earth for you to enjoy with a slice of lemon? NO. Stop drinking that poison. It will kill you. Be wary of any drink that is not water. Coconut water is cool because it’s found on the inside of a friggin’ coconut. Fruit punch from the Hawaiian fruit punch plant? NOPE. Doesn’t exist. That stuff is just sugar and chemicals.
Exercise. A lot. Mix it up. Do different things so your body doesn’t acclimate and your mind doesn’t get bored. This is the fun part!
Get sleep. I know you’re very important and you have a lot of people depending on you. Burning the midnight oil just makes you into a martyr, and no one likes a martyr. You’re packing on the pounds and the stress. Cut it out, suck it up, and get the correct amount of sleep.
Mom was right. Take yo vitamins. Take the time to research what will work for you. Also, popping a digestive enzyme before you eat will help your body actually absorb all the yummy nutrients from your food, so you aren’t left feeling hungry after that amazing raw salad.
But what about all those pictures of people who lost weight from fad diets and kept it off? They are the exception, not the rule. This is harsh, and I’m realizing it myself: We will, statistically, not be the exception. We will be the rule.
Bottom Line: Live your life and make good choices. Drink some wine and eat a little cheese, but don’t do it every day.
It’s so much simpler than counting grams of fat and calories while you’re trying to eat your tasteless “diet” food.
If it doesn’t sound simple to you, then you need to change your habits. Stop killing yourself, pull yourself together, and treat your body and mind with the respect it deserves! Yes, that’s direct. Demand more for and from yourself!
You don’t have to cut carbs and count calories. Just eat like a caveman. I doubt there were any overweight cavemen running for their lives from saber-toothed tigers.
Eat as much as you want. Just keep it clean. And keep it as raw as possible. When you fuel your body with the correct stuff, it’s going to work properly. Also, choosing to eat correctly is much better for the environment. Do I need to talk about how horrible the meat industry is for the planet? Be a better person. At least go for Meatless Mondays if you’re going to keep eating animals. Also, make sure you know where your meat comes from. I mean that you need to know the farmer, and you need to know that he’s not pumping corn and anti-biotics into the animals.
If they’ve added hormones, preservatives, or other additives to it, it’s not made for you to eat. It’s made to last a long time on a shelf.
If it’s bleached, processed, or refined, it’s not good. Nor, does it really taste good. No, you don’t love white bread. You’re addicted to the way it makes your insulin spike. And that’s why you crash when you don’t have it.
Our bodies fight like hell to keep us alive. Why is there a morbid obesity problem in America? We are obese because our bodies are trying to keep the toxins out of the bloodstream. Our bodies are under attack and respond with defensive fat storage. Our bodies are, literally, pounding on the fat to stay alive. At the same time, we are actually starving themselves. That’s right. We do not get the proper nutrients to satisfy our bodies, and we are eternally hungry. Cheeseburger after cheeseburger, we starve ourselves.
Stop making your body and your life complicated. Eat what comes out of the ground. Drink what comes from the earth. Have a glass of wine and make your own pizza, but don’t do it every night. Keep it special. Run around and play. Sweat. Get physical. Be a Badass.
Death to the guilt, shame, confusion, heart-ache, and inevitable failure.
I say, “Death to Dieting!”
Who’s with me?